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Sep. 13th, 2015

Not gonna lie, I was kinda hoping the radical changes I'd made would have beat some of this ennui into submission, and for 6 months I was pretty sure it had. However, here we are. It's been 2 weeks and I STILL keep landing at "heck with all of this, I'm not even gonna bother" with just about every human relationship I have.
Not that it’s wholly unjustified; people getting mad because I tried to empathize with them, people giving me trouble for the way I speak, people acting like jerks to each other, people ignoring me when I talk about the things I’m passionate about, etc.
But each of these is minor in a practical sense. No one was ever really mad at me, no one’s deliberately ignoring me (I hope. It’s unhealthy to assume otherwise,) etc. But that’s what being in this state is like; regardless of the actual state of things, I find myself lingering on the things that make dealing with people, and NOT dealing with people, hard.
It leaves me with this thought that my life would be easier if I just didn’t bother with all of these people and just focused my effort on the things I love like I used to. Worse, back then I didn’t have these kinds of problems so it can be easy to forget that I had a whole host of other issues. Ya, no problems with feeling isolated or ignored, but that’s because I wanted nothing more than to have nothing to do with anyone. All I wanted to do was learn new programming languages, APIs, and architectures. To hell with my friends (all two of them), my family, my coworkers. You want me to bathe? Too bad, I've got code to write. You want me to wear clothes that are at least in decent shape? Why, who, that I care about, cares two shits about what I'm wearing? Oh wait, the only ones I care about is me and my computer, and my computer doesn't even have a camera.
At it's worst, I weighed 315 lbs, wore the same pair of shoes so long that I walked the sole off, and couldn't remember the names of people I'd been interacting with daily for over three years. But it's tempting to go back because it was easy. I never felt anything but elation and frustration, and the latter was almost exclusively the purview of when other people got involved.
But with that said it's clear that just flipping the table and walking is the wrong answer. However, then what is the right one? I don't think any more radical changes are the right answer.  What is, however, is a much more challenging question. One I don't think I'll be able to answer till this wave of ennui passes and I'm more prone to think rationally.

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